My Life In A Nutshell

I look in the mirror, at my reflection, and I have to smile, because I finally like whom I see, although getting here took quite awhile. As I was growing up in a family my childhood was fairly normal, no abuse, parents that stayed married and were together for 52 years, until my mother died. I always imagined I would have that same sort of love, a family of my own, kids and a husband to love. I never would have dreamed that my life could have turned out the way it did, or that I would go through the things I have. Some people say I am strong and maybe they are right because I did survive. I have felt suffering and pain, abuse, disappointment and heartache. I have also experienced the great joy of my three children and motherhood, and I have experienced the glimpse of love that would have been so wonderful if it had been real. Maybe I will never achieve that final happiness I so want, but I know I will never give up until the day I die.

My rebirth began two years ago, a time I remember clearly. It was after my mother died, from a very long illness and I made my ex husband leave. I remember standing there then, looking in the same mirror. I saw a sad lonely depressed overweight woman staring back at me. I didn’t smile then, I cried for what I had become and I decided then and there that I would work on myself and I did, I began walking everyday, and eating in a healthier way, as the pounds slid off and I could wear cute clothes and look good in them, I felt good but I knew there was still work to do.

I thought back to my childhood and wonder what makes me remember some of the things I do. One of my earliest memories is the memory of a dream although it has always seemed real to me. I was around 2 and a half, sleeping in a bed in my parents room, I saw a giant rooster come out of the closet, it walked over to me and bit me on the knee. When I woke up the next morning there was a scratch on my knee, When we moved from that house, the last thing I did was go out and see if I could find the tracks of the giant rooster one last time.

Why this stays in my mind, I do not know. Another memory was when I was 3 or 4,I packed a bag and stood at the door saying I was running away, and I remember my mother saying, well be sure you take a coat.

I was an extremely shy child, my whole family was shy. My best friend was my cousin until she moved when I was 13 I was devastated and lonely. School was hard for me and something to just get through each day. When I reached high school things were even worse, I felt like an ugly duckling, thin when other girls were filling out, flat when others wore a bra, I wore glasses which I hated and I got teased at times, making me withdraw even more. We moved at the end of my second year of high school. For me it was a relief and a new start, but still my shyness got in the way. I did begin to blossom, learned to fix my hair and dress and use make up, I knew boys thought me attractive but it didn’t do a lot of good as I was usually to shy to talk to them. I did manage a couple of hand holding, going steady type boy friends before meeting the guy who would become my husband.  I don’t know what makes me the way I am but when I look back over the years, and remember how my mother said I was the problem child in the family and seemed to favor my siblings, I think that did have an effect on me as well as being teased in school. When I met my ex he seemed so nice, quiet, sweet, we didn’t talk much but we learned a lot about each other through letters when he was in the air force. When he returned from overseas we were married and I thought finally I would have my dream, a man who loved me and soon a family who I could love. At first it seemed things were fine, I noticed he drank a lot but never got drunk so I didn’t worry. We had our daughter and three years later a son; I had one of each just what I had always wanted. I loved them so much.   But soon I could see that drinking was not just something my husband liked to do, it was something he had to do, and he did it more and more. When he lost his job after I had our 3^rd child, a son he just gave up, the drinking got worse until we lost our car, our home and everything in it even the pictures of our kids when they were little. I thought my life was over, I thought things wouldn’t possibly get worse but I was wrong because they did.

I took the children and went to my parents to stay, my ex stayed behind finding a small job, He was to come up on weekends to bring food and things we needed but soon, I got a call from him, he was in jail, his first of many DUI’s. I cried my eyes out but went on as usual. My mother was very irritable and soon I felt uncomfortable so I left and went back down with my Husband. It was summer time so we stayed in parks but when winter came the parks would no longer allow people to stay longer the 2 weeks and we soon found ourselves in the car. I will always remember the three kids trying to get comfortable in the back seat, and I will always remember waking up to being so cold that there was ice on the inside of the windshield. I remember going without eating so the kids had enough. To this day I have a fear of being homeless and sometimes it gives me nightmares, Fortunately kids see things differently, and they found the whole thing a great adventure.

I guess I am painting a gloomy picture, there was some good times, camping, and parks, and the zoo, the beach and for a few years we had horses for the kids, and I think that was the part I loved the best, something we all enjoyed together. But still there was always tension; the alcohol had changed him so much. I wondered where that man I had married had gone, where our dreams had gone. I thought it was my fault that he drank, that if I changed somehow he would stop drinking.  I tried and yet the drinking continued, leaving me to feel as if I failed yet again. You know something else I remember? My husband never called me by my name or any pet name either, it was as if I was nothing, as if I didn’t exist, as if I wasn’t worthy of having any title at all. I was nothing, at least in his eyes.

Well anyway back to life, we moved to this county where I still am and rented a house.

The kids had a dog and a cat and some chickens, were settled in school and my ex had a chance to go back to GM. Of course we were excited   moved to a nicer place but it wasn’t to be, he drank, they tested, he was let go, from then on it was a downhill struggle. Drinking, screaming, fighting. That’s when the abuse started, hair pulling, digging nails into flesh, being struck with canes and other things. He didn’t touch the kids, his abuse of them was verbal, and he took out the physical stuff on me. He always was so nice to other people, and I know they viewed me as a grumpy hag of a wife because they didn’t see what was behind my anger.  He was always ready to help others but never his own family, we were always put last.

He tore up the house we were renting in anger, he destroyed food in anger, he invited strangers, and bad people to stay in our home with our kids. I have a fracture in my back, because one day I tried to help him up the steps and he swung a cane and struck me in the across the back, I remember the feeling of shock when that happened, that this man, my husband could hurt me that way, but more then that are the invisible scars he left on me, in my heart and in my mind.

He verified what I thought about myself, that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, I wasn’t doing something right, and that’s why he drank and would not quit.

Soon after that he made one of his drunken deals and we ended up leaving on a piece of land, no water, no house, nothing. We had a trailer and a shack and a porta potty. My friend and her two children with us at the time, We did the best we could, kept the kids fed and as clean as possible which wasn’t easy there.  When Xmas arrived I took the kids to my parents, and my friend went to her in laws, we never went back there. I stayed to help my dad take care of my mother who had Alzheimer’s. My ex came too, and life went on, or should I say existence, for that’s all it really was. My ex went about being himself, spending all day out and drinking and making me serve his meals in the bedroom, because he felt he was to good to eat with the rest of us. Everyday was the same, day after days, week after week, year after year. Only my youngest son was with us then and my guilt for not being able to do things with him was strong . Fortunately he found a second family with his best friends and they took him everywhere they went. As for me, I went without to get him things he needed and wanted, things all the other kids had, as a way for making up. Also during this time my dad almost died and went through open-heart surgery making life even more hard, more stress and more worry.

I stayed home, everyone else went out, my only comfort was eating things I shouldn’t, and I didn’t care, I knew I was gaining weight, and I just didn’t care.   Things with my ex got worse as time went on, more DUI;s, counseling, court, jail, fines, a never ending nightmare.

Every Christmas he was drunk and broke a bone, 3 years in a row. So many times when I was tired I still had to go out and drag him into the house because he was to drunk to walk. Many nights we were wakened by his drunken rages. I felt so bad for my son, that he had to hear and deal with all this. Finally I slept in the living room at night, no longer wanting to be anywhere near the monster he had become..

Eleven years passed since I came to care for my mother and then she finally was released from her own hell and died. It was hard and yet relief was felt for she no longer had to suffer.

I got my computer from my son, and he got me online, that’s when I started becoming close to my two best friends, one introduced me to chat, and I had an outlet, people to talk to that listened to me. That’s when I looked in the mirror and cried as I saw my reflection, was that woman really I?  I decided then and there that I would get into shape, and I met someone on the chat, a man. He told me all the things I wanted to hear, all the things I needed to hear.

With the help of my friend I made my husband leave, it was hard, and even though he had made my life miserable, but we had been separated in many ways for two years before that. I felt guilty , as if I was throwing him away, I had always thought marriage was forever, but in reality he threw his own life away when he chose not to fight the alcoholism.  I continued talking to my net boyfriend, he seemed so sweet and as we talked, I lost more and more weight, I could look in the mirror and like what I saw, and so we met and even then, I thought my dream had come true. I was so innocent, so naïve then, people warned me he was a game player, I didn’t even know what that was and in the end they were right because after using me, my heart, my love, my body he left me broken hearted and again feeling, unloved and unwanted and not good enough. To say that I felt rejected once again is putting it mildly.  It was very hard to get past that, all the pain, I thought I wanted to die, but my friends and my family and my sweet virtual daughter all stood by my side and helped me through.  When I thought I had let go of the pain, and now that I look back, I didn’t at all, and it was way to soon, I met another man and this time I can only say it was my own fault for getting hurt, I went against my better judgment and my own warnings, maybe because I still wanted that dream, that one special person, but this was the worst mistake I had made yet for I allowed this man, this emotionally screwed up man to hurt me twice. What is funny though, is yes I was sad, and yes I was hurt but I wasn’t totally devastated , because I think it was actually  that I loved the idea of my dream, that dream I wanted so very much. So life goes on and I take a long hard look at myself.

I look in the mirror and I see a woman who has been through some bad times, a woman who has cried more then her share of tears, a woman who has felt pain but she made it, she has three beautiful children, she has a new body and a smiling face, she has done some things she feels very proud of. She knows she is warm and friendly, caring, compassionate and passionate, she knows how to give complete unconditional love. She would rather see the good in someone then the bad, she knows how to forgive and forget. She knows know that her self image made her always settle for less then what she wanted and now she knows she will never do that again. For she is just as good as the next person, she likes herself, the way she looks, the way she is, the way she feels and she will never settle again. Yes she still wants her dream, that special person who loves as she loves him and most likely someday she will have that, but right now she has herself and she is happy with that. She has so many things to look forward too, her future, seeing her sons get married, enjoying her family, writing something really meaningful that touches others, meeting my sweet virtual daughter face to face for the first time and maybe even someday even making love on a moonlit beach. She is happy to be who she always was, she just didn’t see. She made mistakes but that is a human quality, everyone makes them and even if everyone can’t forgive her, she can forgive herself and she can learn from those mistakes because she is strong, she will survive and she is very happy to be alive…

Inspired by my own belief that life’s experiences help us to grow, the good times as well

as the mistakes, and my belief in never giving up, in going after what you want, in love and forgiveness, in never settling for anything less, whether it be a new job, a vacation or your one true love, your soul mate and if you are lucky enough to have found that never let go, because it is a treasure to behold…

                                                       S.L Ellison

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